i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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