For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
