is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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