if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He better not be in your backpack
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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