Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is my gift to your gina
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
