dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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