Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
