I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
