wanna go halves on a baby?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize