Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
