You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
