Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
