do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
