watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
bring money and cleavage
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
