I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
