If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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