giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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