Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
