Well apparently he's into motor boating.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
