the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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