Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
