I love black thongs
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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