I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
