apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
