MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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