I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
