Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
