Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
