he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
