seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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