omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
