Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
