Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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