This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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