I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Boobs speak an international language.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
