never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
