If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He? As in you personified your dick?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
