I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i came on her dog
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
