Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
