god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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