I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
