I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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