What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
