I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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