All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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