He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
