btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
