Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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