thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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