I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
