you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
