One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
