I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
