Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
