Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
