I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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