I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
