roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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