Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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