The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
