i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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