come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
bring money and cleavage
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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