Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
