I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
